"Hello, James Cancer Clinic and comic book retail division."

The phone number to my shop is 614-262-XXXX. The phone number to the Ohio State Universities James Cancer Clinic Hospital is 614-263-XXXX which is neither really here nor there except for the fact that panicked cancer patients will sometimes dial my number by mistake. These calls are usually innocuous with us simply explaining that they have dialed the wrong number and that they just hit that one wrong button. It has happened probably hundreds of times since this store opened with only a couple of truly out standing moments that define the true human condition and leave me desiring to make them pay for becoming angry with me. I don't understand it when a person won't believe that they have dialed the wrong number. Is it really all that possible that the person answering the phone at the hospital that is going to save your life from cancer would really lie to you and say that they are a comic book store? Ignorance is a suit of armor constructed from wet cardboard and here are the tales of it's two greatest champions....

The Indian Woman With The Mammograms
"Hello, Comic Town Morse Road. Ryan speaking, how can I help you?"
"(Incomprehensible gibberish in an Indian accent)"
"I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't catch your question. What was it again that I could help you with?"
"(More gibberish only this time more frenzied and with the word mammogram audible)"
"I'm sorry ma'am but were you looking for the OSU cancer clinic? If so you've dialed the wrong number by accident."
"No, mammogram appointment."
"I'm sorry but were Comic Town. You've dialed the wrong number."
*long ass silence approaching 1 minute in length*
"Ma'am. are you still there?"
"Appointment! Transfer me to appointments."
"I can't transfer you. This is Comic Town. A comic book store not affiliated with OSU. You dialed the wrong number"
"NO! I dialed the numbers on the card YOU put into my mail."
"You dialed the wrong number. This is a comic book store. We can't help you with cancer."
"APPOINTMENT! MAMMOGRAM!!!"
"You dialed the wrong number. We're 262 and you meant to dial 263."
"NO I DIDN'T!!! TRANSFER ME!!!!!"
"I can't do that. Please hang up and try again."
"I will report you!"
*phone hangs up*

The Man With The Poop Test
"Hello, Comic Town Morse Road. This is Ryan, how can I help you?"
*angry sounding old dude who sounds like karma is finally repaying him for his life* "I need to find out what's taking you so long with my test results."
"Test results? Sir, I'm not sure I know what your talking about."
"My test results is what I'm talking about."
"What test results? Are you looking for the cancer clinic?"
"My fecal tests. What did they show?"
"Fecal? What? Who is this?"
"Yeah, the crap I took for you guys. What did the lab guys find in it?"
"Sir, this is not the cancer clinic."
"No...your the receptionist. Just tell me what they told you."
"...I'm not the receptionist. This is not the cancer clinic. You dialed the wrong number."
"If your not the receptionist then transfer me to the person who can do their fucking job there."
*at this moment I ceased having compassion for this guy. I'm not a good person and here is proof*
"Sir, I have to come clean with you. There's been a terrible and quite frankly embarrassing mistake. You fecal sample got lost. I'm really sorry about this. I'll get you put to the very top of the testing schedule so you'll know what the results are by tomorrow morning at the latest. What I need you to do is produce another sizable fecal sample. Make sure you get it into a zip lock bag, preferably the kind that have the yellow and blue make green sealing area. Be careful that the feces grow straight from your rectal opening into the bag thus not contaminating the sample. Write your name with a sharpie marker on the bag and give it to the person at the front desk here. I'll let them know to bring it right to me. Once again, I apologize on the behalf of OSU and it's hospitals."
"I knew you guys fucked up! I appreciate the honesty though. I'll see you in a little bit."
*phone hangs up and the balance is restored*